Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
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Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.