Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
You Might Also Like
the composer
Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
awkward
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread