Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
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My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala