Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
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Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Windows
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car