Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”

I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.

My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.

Nothing is sacred.

-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.

“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”

Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.

ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter

Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.

I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.

Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives

ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love

I bought a reusable straw so now I go by Captain Planet.

“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”

– Cat game shows

Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes

Me: All vans are moving vans LOL

Her: And this is why we’re leaving

Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen

Picasso: Here

Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up

Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink

[camping]

“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.

when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too

me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie

grim reaper: no

Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.

If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..

I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.

I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.

Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.

Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.

Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope

BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES

I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.

Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?

ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.

MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.