Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
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Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
The asteroid..
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Darth Vader: “My wife is dead so l’m gonna kill a lot of people :(”
Someone: “Oh, that sucks. Who killed her?”
Darth Vader: >:(
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.