“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Imagine being tracked down for a crime you did a million years ago because your silly goose of a great aunt sent in her DNA to 23 and Me.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
