“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
“Would you like a bag?” “Well yes obviously or else how else am I going to carry it” in a bag you brought from home like 50% of the other customers do hun 🙂
Sorry I’m a week late. Had to scroll back to my birth year.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
