“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Always the vampires
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
Do u think the white fluid in the robots on Alien is battery fluid or milk. I’ve been calling it robot milk but no one likes when I say that
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
