“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
