say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
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Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.