say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
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genie: your first wish?
me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
genie:
me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I missed you with all my darts
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*