Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything

[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib

ME: *enters password*

COMPUTER: Weak and insecure

ME: No it’s not

COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine

wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year

remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair

It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.

If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.

A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”

Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend

me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own

mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me

second mint: me neither!

me: I don’t remember planting you

third mint: sup fellas how we doin

Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury

Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?

Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets

It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?

I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.

a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”

In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”

CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!

ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?

*Seductively stripping out of clothes.

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date

My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.

Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.

My favourite machine at the gym is the television.

It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in

You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.

I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.

FINE, it was me!

Driving between speed cameras is called intermittent fasting.

[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya

Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!

Doctor: is your finger broken?

No, I don’t think so….

Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.

*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*

*fixes the ice cream machine*

Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?

~me losing the war against gnats

The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper