Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
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nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
With a text.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Perfection.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Taco Bell, Exit 22
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Driving along with my 9yo son and a commercial comes on for “underboob deodorant” and he says “daddy do you use that?” Parenting is bullshit.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
