Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
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17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
me: family! regale me with tales of your day!
5: good
2: yes
hubs: same
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
I can also cook 😂
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks