Sometimes when I’m sad, I’ll go to the park and, from a distance, look thru my thumb and index finger and begin squishing people’s heads…
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
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Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
If two cannibals fight
Does that make it a food fight?
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet
*watches the news*
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
*slowly pulls gift back*
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I’m pretty sure it’s only because I’m his Oreo dealer.
*At a party*
STRANGER: Are you that guy who brags about weird shit?
ME: No I’m the guy who takes the longest baths in the city.