Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
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I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is