Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
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Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
dutch is not a serious language
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.