Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
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King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead