@jake_likes_naps

Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks

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@yonewt

Alexa, which cat breeds are the most absorbent?

@GrantTanaka

teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring

@NotJPo

Listen up, single people. You can only sleep with so many people. Sooooo many people. So so so many.

@WorkingMom86

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.

@Reverend_Scott

When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2

@summerofbenny

I typed 18 beers into my calorie counting app, and it uninstalled itself.

@Skoog

if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo

@kelkulus

If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.

@jonnysun

bill cosby’s full name is “bill sinby over tanby”

@mommajessiec

*pile of dishes in the sink*

*laundry hamper overflowing*

*toothpaste smeared across the sinks*

*toys scattered across the house*

Husband: *leaf-blowing the attic*