Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks

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Alexa, which cat breeds are the most absorbent?


teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring


Listen up, single people. You can only sleep with so many people. Sooooo many people. So so so many.


I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.


When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2


I typed 18 beers into my calorie counting app, and it uninstalled itself.


if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo


If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.


bill cosby’s full name is “bill sinby over tanby”


*pile of dishes in the sink*

*laundry hamper overflowing*

*toothpaste smeared across the sinks*

*toys scattered across the house*

Husband: *leaf-blowing the attic*