say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
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My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
cigarette breaks used to be a great excuse to step away when I felt overwhelmed in social settings until I quit. now I try to get some space and people are like WHERE ARE YOU GOING and I’m like idk I just like to be away from you more often than this
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.