say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
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Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰