say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
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I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*