Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
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If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
consequences, the bane of my existence
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Me: I like reading funny jokes and watching cat videos
Twitter algorithm: Here’s someone getting run over by a car and people arguing about politics
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.