@juanadog

Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?

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@IamJackBoot

We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.

@shariv67

“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows

@MomofTeen

I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.

@AmericanGent69

My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.

@Rollinintheseat

Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”

Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”

@junejuly12

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

@MarkTConard

If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.