I have been taking notes
So if you are missing notes, I probably have them
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
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We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Always the pallbearer, never the dead guy
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.