Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
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go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
@funTweeters
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this