Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.

pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”

Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral

Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.

Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor

Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me

I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.

Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.

My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying

I have always wanted to do this 😭😭

today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.

BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?

ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel

[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this

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Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family

I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.

Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?

me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar

balloon animal guy: ok

My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.

I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.

Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.