Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*takes the high road

*gets a DUI

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”

guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog

I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell

People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019

CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?

ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure

*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*

If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards

Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

[Violently kicking down the door of an elderly care nursing facility]

I NEED VOLUNTEERS TO RUN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

[preparing dinner]

Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking

Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly

A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.

I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em

8 and I just standing there existing

3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

DATE: what’s your favorite movie?

ME: Se-seven-en

DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V

ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb

[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]

By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.

He liked medium butts.

So he lied.

Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No

If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids

when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help

My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick

If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water

Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth

I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200

me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death

doctor: you have a sprained ankle

WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.