“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”
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[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.