“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”
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I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Easy enough.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.
My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
My 7 year old asked me if I’ve ever experienced hallucinations, which is an odd thing to ask considering I don’t have any kids.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Always this one for me forever