Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
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Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me