Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
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Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”
I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.
I was in my prime.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped