“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
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I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Me: I like reading funny jokes and watching cat videos
Twitter algorithm: Here’s someone getting run over by a car and people arguing about politics
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now