“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
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What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ
“OMG HOW”
Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Going to buy several and turn them into a casserole to pass out on Halloween
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
whatever you do don’t give your heart away for christmas, this one dude never got his back and won’t shut up about it
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
Yamahahahahahahahahaha
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.