“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
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Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.