“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
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Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Cause of death: Zumba
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
I now identify as an avocado.
I’m “good fat”.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.