“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
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I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
[going out]
other moms: have fun, be safe!
my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
me: i’ve committed adultery. i’ve been doing a lot of adulting.
therapist: no.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings