Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
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Disney: okay i guess we’ll close the parks but ONLY because it’s above a category 3
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
I’d love this…lol
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
The news is so predictable nowadays
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.