Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
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All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.