Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
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Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.