Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
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All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.