Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

me: I think I’m losing my marbles

proctologist: I’m finding them

my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder

Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?

All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.

i handle all my disagreements like an adult

dance off pants off karaoke

Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker

My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”

Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.

Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.

Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.

“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match

For those that worship cheese..

I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.

A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

there’s probably a fee though

Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.

wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.

Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.

[being murdered]

me: thanks for doing this

– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.

– Did we have snakes?

– Oh yes, thousands of em.

– I’ve never seen any sn…

– THOUSANDS!

gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me

Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.

Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.

I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.