Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
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Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
lmao
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Software Development ⛵️
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
I feel seen
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Chicken bread
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*