“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
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Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty