“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
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Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!