@Marlebean

“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”

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@zachreinert03

I’ve never understood the whole ‘burying people for fun at the beach’. The cops will just find the bodies when the tide comes

@realHamOnWry

[Delta Airlines Interview]

Me: Sorry I’m 3 hours late.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

@SvnSxty

*ad for swiss army knife*

Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?

@catstronomical

dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do

@Dawn_M_

What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?

@saltymamas

Him: Did you poop in the shower?

Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?

H: Well who else could it be?

M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?

H: Oh that makes more sense.

@GrantTanaka

someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend

@nbadag

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

@SirEviscerate

If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.