I’ve never understood the whole ‘burying people for fun at the beach’. The cops will just find the bodies when the tide comes
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
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[Delta Airlines Interview]
Me: Sorry I’m 3 hours late.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Man I love unicorn mating season…
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.