Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.

Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.

[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol

Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.

I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.

[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.

me: i wanna see how high this cliff is

Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead

me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air

Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-

me: what

Charles Darwin:

me: that could what Charles

Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.

likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.

every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.

If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales

How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.

one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.

Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord

My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.

My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…

…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.

wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too

john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?

“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”

50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.

Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.

Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”

GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore

ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome

PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic

Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.

You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.