Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”

Espresso Patronum!

– Me warding off morning people

Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”

CONCERT

AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!

ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog

If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.

judge: do u swear to tell the truth

me: dare

judge: what

me: i choose dare instead

judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal

*I come home with an empty stroller*

WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?

ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle

WIFE:

ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK

Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.

Food gives you energy to nap more.

[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa

Me: go get em tiger!

Tiger: *mauls everyone*

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

This could be the Alcohol talking but….

OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!

I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”

If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.

Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.

[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles

Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth

[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.

[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…

I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.

Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.

Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”

In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche

My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.

My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.

my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be

which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills

[at train station]

Cashier: May I help you?

Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place