Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
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*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
It’s so funny how fast you adapt. Literally four months after ending a twelve-year run of going to school for seven hours a day you’re like “wait, I have THREE classes today?! Is that legal?!”
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo