Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i want enemies

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.

They won’t ask again.

I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.

I. FORGOT.

I. FORGOT.

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]

Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it

4: I reeeallly want Oreos!

Me: but you already had Oreos

4: no I didn’t!

Me: yeah you did

4: no I didn’t!

Me: I saw you eat them

4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!

I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”

I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.

Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.

“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350

In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.

When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.

ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.

[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it

they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer

Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?

Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.

H:

Me:

H: I think it’s time to take a break…

Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.

H: …from twitter

Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?

gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes

You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.

ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows

You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.