Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
You Might Also Like
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
I hope they boil the right one.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson
when i quit my job i’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.