Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
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Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
I hope this email finds you in a well
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.