Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.

[police lineup]

Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’

Suspect 1: boing boing

Suspect 2: boing boing

Desk lamp: boing boing

Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband

also my go-to takeaway order

It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.

I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.

#ChefDay #RubbishJokes

It’s Mental Health Day today.

– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.

The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.

[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*

Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once

Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?

May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]

Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.

Anakin:

Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.

little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths

[interview]

THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?

ME: thank you.

I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’

I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.

I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.

Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.

If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go

{Me to my dogs}

No more table scraps.

(5 seconds later)

Here you go.

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy

“you are what you eat”

i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok

I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.

Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes

There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.

Husband: Where are you going?

Me: I have to run a quick errand.

Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?

Me: Maybe.

Husband: Let me grab my wallet.

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys

4-year-old: Are goats real?

Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.

4: *runs away*

Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”