Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
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20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early