Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!