Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
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First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days