Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
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Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.