Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
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This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Anyone want a chair?
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me