Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
You Might Also Like
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
absolutely not
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!