Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
guys i’ve cracked the code
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
