Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
