Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
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My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one