Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
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Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
