Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
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Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
R.I.P.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks