Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
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Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher