Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.

I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.

I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.

*first day as mall Santa

“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”

[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL

The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises

Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?

Me: What if the seller is a murderer?

Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?

Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.

i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there

I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic

This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.

Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”

[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it

staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house

Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.

Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶

You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE

Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.

If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.

So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.

Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.

Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.

Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.

deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)

Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!

M: *swoons*

This one, by a wide margin

me: i have good and bad news

her: bad first

me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks

her: what’s the good news

me: i found waldo

A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.

What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?

I have the impulse control of a random number generator.

“I need a woman who can help me grow”

First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.