Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
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There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
#Caturday
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.