Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: will you *opens box* marry me

HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp

ME: idk is that a yes

Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.

11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.

Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.

Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.

I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.

BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.

ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.

BOND: I’m a spy.

ME: You are bad at all parts of this.

Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?

11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.

He’s already better than me at puns.

goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.

Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”

You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one

Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

‘Did you hear, Tim died.’

Oh no, was it serious?

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes

kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?

“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”

-the first hipster

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad

i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”

-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!

Victorian Era YouTube comments

The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.

Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ

This makes total sense…

hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie

Nobody:

God: Make half of them allergic to spring

Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards

My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT