Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
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Foolproof? Yeah, well we’ll see about that
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
The man who makes the giant eclairs in our local patisserie is retiring next month. There’ll be some big chouxs to fill when he goes
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
We like the way Dwight thinks
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
LMAO
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
But I really needed water water water
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?