Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
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[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police