Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
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her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.